The Benefit of Brothers

As we continue tackle the second half of this deployment, knowing that the end is in sight, there has been one thing in particular that I have been grateful for lately: 

that the boys have each other. 

It might be because school has started and C and B miss each other during the day, or that Bennett has assumed more of a 'big brother' role with C gone all day, or now that Wells is walking he is more into playing with his brothers, but it just makes my heart so happy that they have so much fun in each other's company while they are missing their Daddy's. 

Not only did they sneak into my bed before I came up, but then I found them sleeping in the exact same position. So sweet (and back to their own beds they were carried).

Wells learned to tackled- Welcome to the family Buddy. 

Excited for another flip of the calendar and one month closer to Kev rejoining this chaos. 

There Is a Sport's Tree In My Front Yard (and other tales from this week)

Every night when it is finally time to come indoors for the day, I have the boys clean up the yard so people don't start voting to toss us out of the neighborhood. And since our front yard sporting events are numerous, they have started 'putting everything away' by storing it in the tree. 

You stay classy, boys. 

This week (like all weeks) has been a busy one. I signed the boys up for a short camp at their school for 4 days in the morning and they were thrilled to go see some of their friends. As much as we are around people a lot, they do spend a lot of time with adults so when the email came out that one of their favorite teachers was running this week, I decided to let them go. They were so excited to go back to school and I am praying that they will always feel that way!

Thanks to Mrs Henson for this adorable shirts!

Meanwhile, Wells and I had time to have coffee (and actual conversations!) with my friend Jen and her sweet boy and new baby twin girls, helped Chelsie move on Tuesday, went shopping with Mom on Wednesday, and had coffee with my girlfriend from high school Bobbi who I hadn't seen in years on Thursday.

 Honestly, it was a nice break for me and the boys had an absolute blast especially because they were in the 'same class' all week. 

In other news, Wells loves Mac-n-Cheese

And is still getting up at 5:30 in the morning. You think by now I would have lowered my expectations and just go with it it, but instead every morning I groan a little bit before getting up to his sweet happy little face. (It doesn't help that I have been staying up late blogging and hanging out with Coach Taylor and Tami on Netlfix because I don't sleep well when Kev isn't here.)

My grocery list has changed a bit since Kev left...

Hi everybody!

 Sometimes, Cullen acts like a crazy person obviously needs a little rest after a busy morning. Although he doesn't nap everyday (most days), once in a while if I get him to lay in my bed, I will find him minutes later like this. 

Also this week, we had my older brother Joey and Caitlin over for dinner on Monday, my youngest brother Tommy and Chelsie, and Kev's brother Mike over on Wednesday, and my middle brother Bummy and Kathleen over on Thursday. One thing I truly love about living back 'home' is watching my brothers (and brother in law) play with my boys while I drink wine with their ladies. 

I am so grateful for the adult friendships I have with all of them and blessed that they are around (and want) to hang out with us!

Wells woke back up after Joey got to our house and so was confused and yet fascinated by him. 

Cullen was actually beside himself with joy that Mike was over, don't let this picture fool you.

Boys and Bummy

And finally, now and then, I let Bennett dress himself. 

I will be taking the next week or so off to have some quality beach time with Kev's family. You can follow me on instagram for updates in the meantime @katedaffodils (that link actually leads to my account..don't know why I never did that before, but there you have it).

Have a wonderful weekend/week/4th!

Is It Bedtime Yet?

Alternately titled: A Deployment Update

The other day, all I wanted to do was take a shower. Just a quick, wash the sweat and slobber off of me, five minute shower.
 But they were all awake: All three of the little humans who are seemingly incapable of staying out of trouble for five whole minutes. But I needed this shower. So I did what any desperate and smelly Mommy would do and made a fort in my room with my curtains, shut the bedroom door and hoped for the best.
 Three and a half minutes in, Cullen bursts into the bathroom yelling "BABY EMERGENCY" and the sound of an ear piercing wail follows his announcement. I get out, mascara running down my cheeks and soap in my hair, quickly wrap myself in a towel and go to pick up the baby. Then this convo happens:

Me: Why is he crying?

Bennett: Sorry Mommy.

Cullen: We might have pushed him into the metal part of your bed but it was his fault because he was trying to get our cornbread and raspberries.

Me: DONT push your....wait, your cornbread and raspberries? What cornbread and raspberries?

Cullen: You were in the shower and we got hungry so I got us a snack. We didn't eat it though, its just all crumbled on your bed now.

I text my sister in law this story (who went through this with her 3 boys a year ago) and she responded:
Is it bedtime yet?

See that big all knot on his head? Nice one, boys.

*****

In all honesty though, despite these lovely moments, we are going alright.
Kev's been gone for over a month and being able to cross off those squares on the calendar is a great feeling. 

We get to talk to him often- I talk to him everyday and we let the boys facetime every few days. It really confuses Bennett and then I have to start all over again reminding him that Kev is living somewhere else now. In fact, a few days ago Kev was traveling by helicopter so I told the boys to say an extra prayer and Bennett's face lit up as he said "Daddy is flying to visit us tomorrow?!" {Insert sad face emjoi here)

Cullen had his first 'bad' day about it over the weekend too. He truly hasn't missed a beat but after a DVD of Kev reading a story to them came in the mail, something really triggered C's emotions later that afternoon. We were outside and he came up and gave me a hug and asked it was okay if he cried a little bit because he misses Daddy. Nothing hurts a Momma worse than seeing her children in pain. That night we moved a pic of me and Kev from my room into his and put Kev's West Point ring on a chain and onto his bedpost- I told him it was a special dream catcher and so far, it has given him great peace. He hasn't cried or gotten upset again, but probably because Kev told him he would buy him lots of presents when he gets home. 

I have been overwhelmingly grateful for all the help we have had, from friends and family bringing dinner (and even my friend Cassie ordering us dinner all the way from Illinois!) and coming over to play with the kids (mostly recently my friend Cate who was out front in her fancy work clothes, running lax drills with them), to helping watch the baby so I could take a shower before Cullen's Kindergarten orientation with out it resulting in head bruises and crumbled cornbread (thanks Chelsie) and of course both of our parents who have been there to help with everything along the way (Thanks to my inlaws who hung out all day Sunday, including letting me have a peaceful trip to the commissary, and to my parents who made us dinner and poured me wine when and then let the two big boys sleepover when I just showed up at their place at 5:15 unannounced one day last week...and of course for killing snakes).
Even though we aren't part of a deployed unit for support, we certainly blessed to have so many loved ones around who want to be there for us.

There are days when I feel like I totally have a handle on everything, and then other days when I high five myself in the mirror because I just made the best boxed mac n cheese ever.
I miss husband more than anything but am proud of the work he is doing and definitely have a new found appreciation for all the work he does when he is home.
***
We miss you so much honey, keep staying safe and working hard- We are so proud of you.

This Is It

This is the last of the pre-deployment talk. It is actually kinda funny seeing these back to back because they were written over the course of several days, with plenty of normal happy moments in between, so I swear I didn't spend the past few weeks sulking and being really dramatic. 
But it is still really important to me to share and remember how the low moments felt so I can relish in the really happy ones. 

Once again, thank you being here with us through this journey and for all your awesome messages, texts, comments and emails. I  truly feel blessed to have such a wonderful support system.

We will be back to normal programming next week, including a post with the new rules of the house titled "Things That Are Gross and We Shouldn't Do" that the boys and I had to make this week, so get excited for that. 




*****
The drop off.

Let me tell you about the drop off.

It is excruciating.
You have said all there is to say.
 Ate all the good foods there is to eat.
Drank all the good wine.
 And what's left? A lingering tearful goodbye, with a slate of curious on lookers wondering why it is so sad.
***
We were in a weird place with this deployment; because of Kev's job, he just got on an airplane in civilian clothes that would later be traded for multi-cam. There was no fanfare, no unit prep, no formation, no bus ride.

We got up, had coffee, entertained Cullen's idea that they had to play sports in the basement right now because Daddy wouldn't be home for a long time and then carried on as usual. We got the kids dressed, ate breakfast and took them to school. I normally do the drive-by drop off, but Kev wanted to bring them in and say bye for now and let me tell you, those hugs in front of each classroom were just awful but beautiful in a way too.

The photographer in me wanted my camera, the grieving wife in me needed a tissue.

The boys didn't miss a beat, in fact, Bennett came over and hugged Wells and me too since he figured it was just a hugging sort of day, and then Kev and I went home to pack his last few things, tears streaming down my face- the first I had shed in front of him.

The next hour we said very few words.
We might have had a Bloody Mary.
We fit everything we could into his backpack and left a pile for me to send later.
We drove to the airport.
We debated whether or not Wells and I should come in.
We went in.
We got his tickets.
We sat on a bench and took the happiest, (sad) picture we could manage.

We listened to Wells laugh.
We still said very little.

Then it was time. He had to go through security and I had to pick up the big boys. We hugged, we kissed, I touched the St Christopher and St Michael medals hanging around his neck.
Wells tried his best to grab our faces and break us up.
 Lots of I love yous later, we let him go.
We watched as long as we could and then turned to leave.

I cried the whole way out and then allowed myself 2 more miles of tears.

And then they stopped.

I had to pick up the boys from school. I needed to make lunch, put them down for nap, later go to the grocery store, pack for a day trip that weekend, switch the laundry and sweep the floors.
My life as I wanted it had changed, but my life as I knew it kept going, so I kept going.

And that's how we will handle the next several months.
We will keep going, keep moving, keep praying, keep emailing... keep looking forward to the amazingness that will be the homecoming pictures.

 I even told my Dad when he call to check on me later that night, "If this turns out to be one of the worst days of my life, then we are doing okay."

Stay safe honey, we love you and miss you.

The Last, The Last, The Last

Thank you from the very, very bottom of my heart for the outpouring of love and support you showed us in my last post. From the people I talk to on a daily basis, to those I have not talked to in years but reached out, and of course my blog friends who have been here following along, and everyone who has been loving our family as long as I have been documenting it- thank you, thank you, thank you. It certainly makes this situation easier knowing that so many of you are thinking about and praying for us. 
Thank you.

With that said, here is what it feels like the days leading up to deployment.

*****

The last few days are the worst.

Also, I hate the word last:

The last time we will go to church all together.

His last day of regular work.

Our last chance to go to the beach.

Our last meal at home. 

Our last meal out.
The last night they will play lacrosse in the basement.

The last morning he will get up with the kids so I can sleep an extra hour.

And then I have to constantly remind myself to finish the sentence. 

It is the last...for now...for several months...until he comes home to us...it is just a little while.

But everything leading up to the departure is just.so.sad.

You see, I am a very calm person by nature, almost to a fault where there have been times that I have hurt people's feelings because my calmness comes off as non-nonchalance.

 So these feelings of supreme anxiety that I am having are freaking me out. My stomach hurts, I keep pulling at the skin on my neck, I can't keep nail polish on because I keep picking it off. 

I well up with tears every time I see Kev do anything:

Oh, look he is pouring his coffee.

But waaaaahhhh who is going to make the coffee before bed? I don't know the ratio. Is it even worth it to make coffee when Kev isn't here since he drink more than me? But I'll need the caffeine because I have the night shift and the morning shift, so I guess I should make the coffee. What time will it be for him when we are in the morning? How many times will I forget exactly the difference in hours? Will I get a chance to talk to him or will the boys take over facetime? We have to remember to let Wells see too so he knows Kev. Oh My God, WHAT IF WELLS DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIM?!?!

And on and on it goes.

I spend a lot of time thinking about people who have it worse than me: spouses who are gone longer, babies that are born during deployment, families that are not close enough to help, husbands who are on constantly dangerous missions...

But guess what? 

It still sucks.

Watching the most important person in your world pack months worth of his life into duffle bags and black boxes- sucks. 
Signing that stupid paper acknowledging that the information is correct should an 'incident' occur- sucks.
Imaging dinner time with an empty seat- sucks.
Knowing that the kids know but aren't as sad as we are, and being happy and upset about that- sucks.
Knowing what the empty side of the bed is going to feel like- sucks.
Thinking about the father of your children missing summer and first steps and birthdays and first day of Kindergarten and first words, and every amazing thing that happens every day- sucks.

So that is how I feel today.

And I know, I know, I know, that this will feel like the tiniest bump in the road one day. 

But that day is not today.
Today, it is a great big hole. 

Here Is a Post I Have Been Dreading

According to Bennett, Daddy now lives in the phone. 

We have know since late last fall that Kev was going to deploy this spring, but in keeping with operations security (OPSEC) we chose not to talk about the fact that  he was leaving until he was long gone. Now that he is settled in his new routine, and us in ours, it was time to share what we are dealing with.

*****

We told the boys about 3 weeks before he left what was going on and honestly, they took the news well. Cullen had a few extra questions, but the information just seemed to roll off Bennett (possibly because we also told them we were going to Chuck-E-Cheese...). 

Since he left, they have been so strong.

 Cullen lives so in the present, that is doesn't exactly get to him that Kev is gone on a day to day basis. He knows when he is coming home and even though I don't think he quite grasps how long it is, he will just remind himself or Bennett where Daddy is and what he is doing. 

Bennett on the other hand, every time we return to the house and he sees the truck on the street, exclaims "Daddy's home!" and it breaks my heart over and over, but I just remind him that Kev is gone and ask him if there is anything he wants to tell Daddy in a letter. 

They miss him too though and fight over who gets to hold the phone when Kev calls.

 And they also have told me that I am really bad at playing basement ball, so there is that. 

We are super lucky that communication is good and we have been able to talk and see him often. We also send him videos, pictures and emails all day long so he feels like he isn't missing a thing. Kev is working hard and getting adjusted to his new normal and I am so glad I have been able to talk with him through it all.

*****

And me? 

I am okay. 

The week leading up to the departure was 329084932084098 times worse than the past few have been. I flipped the switch to survival mode and am here to make things as normal and easy for my boys while we go through this difficult time. 

But don't get me wrong, I miss my husband with every ounce of my being.

 I miss him so much. And I worry about him every day. 

But I am also grateful beyond belief for the support system we have here. Glad we are 'home', near family and friends who will jump through hoops to bring us dinner or play with the boys or send care packages to Kev or be a listening ear for me. 

And I am proud of my husband for serving his country and doing important and necessary work to help ensure peace in the future. 

*****

In the weeks leading up to the deployment, I wrote a few posts to help get me through some of the emotions and I will be sharing them over the next couple of days. I went back and forth about publishing them since they are raw and vulnerable, but Kev and I both decided they were an important part of the process to document. 

There was one particular weepy day when I went back to Jenn's posts that she shared after Steve left and cried and cried because she knew exactly how I was feeling. If I can do that for someone else, then I want to help. 

And I want to remember how it felt watching him pack and prepare to leave so years from now when we are annoyed at each other, we can be grateful that since we are together in the same place, we can get on each other's nerves.

*****

In the meantime, I would appreciate any prayers for the boys' strength, my sanity and most importantly, Kev's safety. 

On Military Life

A few weeks ago when I opened the blog up to questions, I got several about our life as a military family. I sometimes forget that our lifestyle isn't the norm, so it is interesting to see what y'all wanted to know. 

So here we go:

Erin asked: 

Maybe you've covered this before, but I'd love to hear more about being a military wife and what that means for your living situation. I know you've moved around a lot - will that continue indefinitely? How long are you in each place? Do you have any say in where you live? What are the options for places you might live and how much support does the military provide in helping you find a house?

-We will continue to move. In all honesty, because of Kev's job we really could ride out our time in DC, but we don't want to. I actually really enjoy moving around and look forward to experiencing new places while Kev is still in the Army.  

-We are generally in a place for 2-3 years. 

-A few months before we are slated to leave we get a list of options for the next job and can put in our preferences. Then a few weeks later we will get an assignment. We have been lucky to always get our first choice (except in 2007: we wanted anything but Kev deploying right after our wedding and said we would take anything BUT that one specific job..and well, that is the job he got. We are grateful for it now though because it set us up for everything awesome that has happened since. It is nice that we learned early on that even when it seems like the 'worst', it is for the best). 

-We do not get support in looking for a house. If you want to live on post, you can submit yourself to a waiting list and see what happens. When Kev lived in GA he rented a place with friends, I rented in DC while he was deployed after we got married, and in NC we bought a house. In Monterey we lived on post and in DC we (I) wanted to live on post but were on the wait list for 7 months and never offered anything so by mid summer (we got on the wait list after we got orders in Monterey but didn't move until June) we decided to look for a place off post. We ended up buying since there is a strong likelyhood that we will swing back through in a future assignment and our house is in a great rental area for the invetween. 

-We do get a housing stipend if we live off post to help with the cost of living and it is up to us to chose to live within it or a bit above or below. 

And then Rachel asked: 

And another question, if Kevin wasn't in the military, where would you guys live and what do you think you'd be doing? Oooh and another one, where's some places you'd like to be stationed?

-Somewhere in the Southeast: Charleston, Savannah, Wilmington.. warm and not too far from the water. Kev will likely continue to work for the Army or government in some way. His experience and education will lend itself to contracting very (hopefully) easily. We love that our families are in DC but the area is a little too congested and expensive for our taste. But when we do finally stop moving we will want to stay on the East Coast for sure where we can easily get home to them.

-We would LOVE to be stationed overseas in the meantime and pray that is an opportunity we will have in the near future. 

And from Karen: And what has been your favorite Army-related experience thus far?

I love it. 

Even though there are challenging times, and that my experience hasn't been the normal large unit experience of many wives, I enjoying moving around, meeting people from all over the world, forming friendships that will span longer than a duty station and giving my children the opportunity to be adaptable and adventurous (although, we are happy that we will be done by the time the boys are in high school and we won't have to move them around when they are older). 
I also fully support all that Kev does and the sacrifices he makes for us and for our country. 

Plus, he looks good in uniform. Obviously. 

***

And now, some pictures that have nothing to do with above, because no one likes a post without pictures. 

 Doesn't everyone mow the lawn in a lifejacket and undies?

Our Military Children

As a kid, I  grew up in the same house for 20 years, went to small school with a lot of the same people, saw my grandparents every week, hung out with aunts, uncles and cousins on a regular basis and still to this day have a home base where the majority of my family lives.
 Kev on the other hand was a Military Child who lived in Korea, Panama, DC, VA Beach, Germany and Kansas all before the 8th grade. He had many a holiday with just his parents and siblings. He really isn't 'from' anywhere, although now that his parents have been in DC for so long, he calls it home. 

Our children are currently having the best of both worlds. Cullen will be 5 next month and has lived in 3 houses in 3 different states. Bennett will be 3 in June and was born in NC (lived there for 6 days) and then moved to California and Virginia. Since, for the next few years, we are 'home' the boys now have the benefit of seeing and spending time with their extended family on a regular basis, but also the memories of living elsewhere. 

As I reflected in the past few weeks about April and the Month of the Military child, I realized how grateful I am for the experience my children are getting. Some of Kev's childhood memories are so clear because they are defined by where he lived at the time.
We love that our children have already seen many parts of the country and hope that in the future that includes parts of the world too.

 But instead of putting just my thoughts here, I decided to interview Cullen on how he felt about his Daddy being in the Army. 

2010 Cullen in his Daddy's boots. 

What do you think about Daddy being in the Army?

It's cool.

Do you know what the Army does?

Fights bad guys and keep us safe.

What is your favorite part about moving?

I like getting a new house and seeing different things.

What don't you like about moving?

Nothing.

Not even missing your friends?

No, because I am good at making new ones and I can still talk to my other friends too.

Do you want to be in the Army when you grow up?

No, I want to go to Auburn and play football {atta boy ;)}

{and from the seat next to him} I do it! Bennett in the Army!

Obviously, as our boys get older, moving might get more difficult and finding new schools or making new friends won't be as easy.

But for now, they are wonderfully adaptable and brave boys who look up to their Daddy and graciously accept the challenge of being Military Children. I am so proud of them and look forward to many more adventures as we continue to support Kev in his career.

totally worth sharing this pic again

*****

Now, here is the fun part! 

{April is the Month of the Military Child and big thanks to Amanda for posting these adorable pictures of her babies and their military experience, which inspired me to want to share and host a link up for our blogging community.}

Link your post below and please try to visit and comment on at least two other posts. 

Also, a link back to me somewhere in your post would be appreciated!

An InLinkz Link-up