This Is It

This is the last of the pre-deployment talk. It is actually kinda funny seeing these back to back because they were written over the course of several days, with plenty of normal happy moments in between, so I swear I didn't spend the past few weeks sulking and being really dramatic. 
But it is still really important to me to share and remember how the low moments felt so I can relish in the really happy ones. 

Once again, thank you being here with us through this journey and for all your awesome messages, texts, comments and emails. I  truly feel blessed to have such a wonderful support system.

We will be back to normal programming next week, including a post with the new rules of the house titled "Things That Are Gross and We Shouldn't Do" that the boys and I had to make this week, so get excited for that. 




*****
The drop off.

Let me tell you about the drop off.

It is excruciating.
You have said all there is to say.
 Ate all the good foods there is to eat.
Drank all the good wine.
 And what's left? A lingering tearful goodbye, with a slate of curious on lookers wondering why it is so sad.
***
We were in a weird place with this deployment; because of Kev's job, he just got on an airplane in civilian clothes that would later be traded for multi-cam. There was no fanfare, no unit prep, no formation, no bus ride.

We got up, had coffee, entertained Cullen's idea that they had to play sports in the basement right now because Daddy wouldn't be home for a long time and then carried on as usual. We got the kids dressed, ate breakfast and took them to school. I normally do the drive-by drop off, but Kev wanted to bring them in and say bye for now and let me tell you, those hugs in front of each classroom were just awful but beautiful in a way too.

The photographer in me wanted my camera, the grieving wife in me needed a tissue.

The boys didn't miss a beat, in fact, Bennett came over and hugged Wells and me too since he figured it was just a hugging sort of day, and then Kev and I went home to pack his last few things, tears streaming down my face- the first I had shed in front of him.

The next hour we said very few words.
We might have had a Bloody Mary.
We fit everything we could into his backpack and left a pile for me to send later.
We drove to the airport.
We debated whether or not Wells and I should come in.
We went in.
We got his tickets.
We sat on a bench and took the happiest, (sad) picture we could manage.

We listened to Wells laugh.
We still said very little.

Then it was time. He had to go through security and I had to pick up the big boys. We hugged, we kissed, I touched the St Christopher and St Michael medals hanging around his neck.
Wells tried his best to grab our faces and break us up.
 Lots of I love yous later, we let him go.
We watched as long as we could and then turned to leave.

I cried the whole way out and then allowed myself 2 more miles of tears.

And then they stopped.

I had to pick up the boys from school. I needed to make lunch, put them down for nap, later go to the grocery store, pack for a day trip that weekend, switch the laundry and sweep the floors.
My life as I wanted it had changed, but my life as I knew it kept going, so I kept going.

And that's how we will handle the next several months.
We will keep going, keep moving, keep praying, keep emailing... keep looking forward to the amazingness that will be the homecoming pictures.

 I even told my Dad when he call to check on me later that night, "If this turns out to be one of the worst days of my life, then we are doing okay."

Stay safe honey, we love you and miss you.

The Last, The Last, The Last

Thank you from the very, very bottom of my heart for the outpouring of love and support you showed us in my last post. From the people I talk to on a daily basis, to those I have not talked to in years but reached out, and of course my blog friends who have been here following along, and everyone who has been loving our family as long as I have been documenting it- thank you, thank you, thank you. It certainly makes this situation easier knowing that so many of you are thinking about and praying for us. 
Thank you.

With that said, here is what it feels like the days leading up to deployment.

*****

The last few days are the worst.

Also, I hate the word last:

The last time we will go to church all together.

His last day of regular work.

Our last chance to go to the beach.

Our last meal at home. 

Our last meal out.
The last night they will play lacrosse in the basement.

The last morning he will get up with the kids so I can sleep an extra hour.

And then I have to constantly remind myself to finish the sentence. 

It is the last...for now...for several months...until he comes home to us...it is just a little while.

But everything leading up to the departure is just.so.sad.

You see, I am a very calm person by nature, almost to a fault where there have been times that I have hurt people's feelings because my calmness comes off as non-nonchalance.

 So these feelings of supreme anxiety that I am having are freaking me out. My stomach hurts, I keep pulling at the skin on my neck, I can't keep nail polish on because I keep picking it off. 

I well up with tears every time I see Kev do anything:

Oh, look he is pouring his coffee.

But waaaaahhhh who is going to make the coffee before bed? I don't know the ratio. Is it even worth it to make coffee when Kev isn't here since he drink more than me? But I'll need the caffeine because I have the night shift and the morning shift, so I guess I should make the coffee. What time will it be for him when we are in the morning? How many times will I forget exactly the difference in hours? Will I get a chance to talk to him or will the boys take over facetime? We have to remember to let Wells see too so he knows Kev. Oh My God, WHAT IF WELLS DOESN'T RECOGNIZE HIM?!?!

And on and on it goes.

I spend a lot of time thinking about people who have it worse than me: spouses who are gone longer, babies that are born during deployment, families that are not close enough to help, husbands who are on constantly dangerous missions...

But guess what? 

It still sucks.

Watching the most important person in your world pack months worth of his life into duffle bags and black boxes- sucks. 
Signing that stupid paper acknowledging that the information is correct should an 'incident' occur- sucks.
Imaging dinner time with an empty seat- sucks.
Knowing that the kids know but aren't as sad as we are, and being happy and upset about that- sucks.
Knowing what the empty side of the bed is going to feel like- sucks.
Thinking about the father of your children missing summer and first steps and birthdays and first day of Kindergarten and first words, and every amazing thing that happens every day- sucks.

So that is how I feel today.

And I know, I know, I know, that this will feel like the tiniest bump in the road one day. 

But that day is not today.
Today, it is a great big hole. 

Here Is a Post I Have Been Dreading

According to Bennett, Daddy now lives in the phone. 

We have know since late last fall that Kev was going to deploy this spring, but in keeping with operations security (OPSEC) we chose not to talk about the fact that  he was leaving until he was long gone. Now that he is settled in his new routine, and us in ours, it was time to share what we are dealing with.

*****

We told the boys about 3 weeks before he left what was going on and honestly, they took the news well. Cullen had a few extra questions, but the information just seemed to roll off Bennett (possibly because we also told them we were going to Chuck-E-Cheese...). 

Since he left, they have been so strong.

 Cullen lives so in the present, that is doesn't exactly get to him that Kev is gone on a day to day basis. He knows when he is coming home and even though I don't think he quite grasps how long it is, he will just remind himself or Bennett where Daddy is and what he is doing. 

Bennett on the other hand, every time we return to the house and he sees the truck on the street, exclaims "Daddy's home!" and it breaks my heart over and over, but I just remind him that Kev is gone and ask him if there is anything he wants to tell Daddy in a letter. 

They miss him too though and fight over who gets to hold the phone when Kev calls.

 And they also have told me that I am really bad at playing basement ball, so there is that. 

We are super lucky that communication is good and we have been able to talk and see him often. We also send him videos, pictures and emails all day long so he feels like he isn't missing a thing. Kev is working hard and getting adjusted to his new normal and I am so glad I have been able to talk with him through it all.

*****

And me? 

I am okay. 

The week leading up to the departure was 329084932084098 times worse than the past few have been. I flipped the switch to survival mode and am here to make things as normal and easy for my boys while we go through this difficult time. 

But don't get me wrong, I miss my husband with every ounce of my being.

 I miss him so much. And I worry about him every day. 

But I am also grateful beyond belief for the support system we have here. Glad we are 'home', near family and friends who will jump through hoops to bring us dinner or play with the boys or send care packages to Kev or be a listening ear for me. 

And I am proud of my husband for serving his country and doing important and necessary work to help ensure peace in the future. 

*****

In the weeks leading up to the deployment, I wrote a few posts to help get me through some of the emotions and I will be sharing them over the next couple of days. I went back and forth about publishing them since they are raw and vulnerable, but Kev and I both decided they were an important part of the process to document. 

There was one particular weepy day when I went back to Jenn's posts that she shared after Steve left and cried and cried because she knew exactly how I was feeling. If I can do that for someone else, then I want to help. 

And I want to remember how it felt watching him pack and prepare to leave so years from now when we are annoyed at each other, we can be grateful that since we are together in the same place, we can get on each other's nerves.

*****

In the meantime, I would appreciate any prayers for the boys' strength, my sanity and most importantly, Kev's safety. 

Busy Boys

It has been a busy few days for our boys around here, my friends. 

On Thursday, my sweet oldest graduated Pre-K and we celebrated his special day by attending his ceremony with Nana, Pop and Uncle Tommy. 

C is such a performer and loved every second of singing songs on the alter. 

Friday, we attended the boys' school picnic and then spend the afternoon with Uncle Tommy and Ms Chelsie. Chelsie got birthday candles on Cullen's left over cake, but we were still excited to sing to her.

We also informed Tommy that if he big boy job doesn't work out, 'Manny' would be a good second option. 

Saturday, we spent the day with Nana and Pop: 

we shopped for summer clothes, went to Wegmann's, went to the playground, went on the slip n slide, watched lacrosse, played inside, and had an amazing dinner made by Nana. 

On Sunday morning, we met my roommate from college's son, and her Mom, who has been so important and special to me through my 20s, to say hi since they were in town for a wedding, My boys were so happy to make Baby Lee laugh, and to finally place a face to the wonderful women who has always been there for us. We loved seeing you Mrs H!

Later that morning, my friend Cate invited us to her pool. so of course we went and the boys had an absolute ball!

 Later that afternoon, everyone came back to our place for a BBQ and I was once again reminded to how grateful I am for my amazing high school friends who love us and my children.

Monday, we took a moment to remember the real reason for the long weekend. 

If you are unfamiliar with Wear Blue, please click HERE and get involved. 

 And then there was the rest of the day: 

Our sweet neighbor, who is the youngest of 3 boys came over to play with ours boys in the morning. I think he loves finally being in charge for once,  and my boys think he is just the greatest. 

Is there anything cooler to a 5 and almost 3 year old than a 10 year old boy who wants to hang with them?

Not much.

Except for Mr. Ant's pool with a basketball hoop-which we went to in the afternoon. 

And after an awesome dinner, we headed back home for an early night in for everyone. 

Busy boys indeed. 

What I Wore

A few weeks ago, Rachel asked: Aaand how do you stay so put together?

Here's the deal: If I am wearing sweatpants, I act like I am in sweatpants. I am not one of those fashionable work out clothes people. I have one pair of sneakers that I bought 4 years ago and I am thinking really hard about where they might be right now and I have no idea. I can't rock workout gear and feel confident and put together. So, I have to get dressed every morning. 
My style is pretty simple and functional being that I am home with 3 boys all day. It is not too dressy but not super casual. There is nothing hip or experimental about it.
 I shower at night and I have 3 different hair do's I can transform a wet bun into every morning. My make up routine takes about 5 minutes (but I never leave the house without it on). I always wear earrings and my nails are always painted. 

To give a good example of my style, I documented the past week's worth of outfits to share. 

 Friday: It was rainy and kind of cool. And this is hair style #1 (seen the majority of the time. I have a 9 month old hair puller)

scarf: from Lauren/ shirt: Target/ Tank: Old Navy/ Leggins: H&M/ Shoes: Kev's aunt's store in NYC/ Earrings: Lila Sophia

Saturday: My brother's graduation. Wells was covering up the outfit in yesterday's picture, but this is what I wore.

Earrings: Gift/ Necklace: Target/ Dress: Loft/ Shoes: Jessica Simpson from TJMaxx

Sunday: This is the only pair of shorts I own, I usually wear a jean skirt with an outfit like this, but when Chelsie lived with us, she always looked so cute in shorts, so I am thinking about bringing them into my wardrobe. 
And this is Hair do #2, which Bennett randomly hates. He always pushes the braid back behind my shoulder. And even though I've been wearing my hair in a side braid for 10 years, just the other day Cullen said "Mommy, if you are trying to look like Princess Elsa, it's not working because she has pretty blonde hair." Thanks, kid. 

Scarf: Target/Sweater: Old Navy/ shorts: Gap/ Shoes: Target

Monday: Hair do #3 and a pretty new scarf from my friend Cate. 

My makeup routine: aboundant amounts of under eye concealer, a little powder, neutral shadow, mascara. Done.
Sometimes I wear black eyeliner on the top lids too, but apparently not this week. 
All drugstore brand stuff.

Scarf: Ann Taylor/ Necklace: Gift from my sis in law/ Shirt: Target/ Jeans: J. crew

Tuesday: I had pink eye and I couldn't see and I was grumpy..I wore jeans and a blue vneck from Target.

Wednesday: Looks fancy but feels like sweatpants? 
Say hello to my best friend, the maxi dress (while shopping at Francesa's for something new, no luck.)

Dress: TJMaxx (I have it in red too)/ Earrings: Francesa's/ Pink Eye: Cullen's/ Little Fuzz Head on the floor: Mine/ Clutch: Rebecca Minkoff, a gift from my friend Cate (she is so good to me!) and proof that by the third child, you keep a diaper in the glove compartment and only bring a clutch  to hold your wallet, phone and chapstick with you everywhere else

Thursday: Cullen's pre-K graduation.

Dress and Belt: Old Navy/ Necklace: My future sis in law/ Earrings: Francesa's/ Also- my scarf collection. 

So that is how I stay put together. It is worth taking the 20 minutes out every morning (usually while Wells naps and the boys are watching their morning TV) so I can get dressed and start the day on the right foot to seem like I have it all under control.

What are your go-to style secrets?

*****
As we head into Memorial Day, please keep in mind all our service members who have been lost defending our country, and their families, in your thoughts and prayers. 

So Far This Week...

The boys wanted to have a sleepover in our bed and I let them. I thought it was cute that they both ended up upside down and cuddled up. They have separate rooms right now but we are thinking about putting them together because they love hanging out so much.

I got the leftovers of Cullen's pink eye. My left eye was swollen shut yesterday. It wasn't  my best look.

Ice pops helped. 

As did my mom who came over so I could lay in bed and feel sorry for myself and so I could go to the doctor and get medicine. Happy to report that although I am still swollen and I can out of both eyes today. 

Wells has this new fun habit of getting up at 5:20am. I try to get him to snuggle with me and fall back alseep, but he isn't interested. 

But I did find him like this in the car over the weekend.

Speaking of the poor sleeping baby, I have to wake him up from his morning nap everyday to bring the boys to school. It is so sad to wake him from this.

And speaking of over the weekend, we went to Lynchburg to see my baby bro graduate from college. 

We are proud of you Tommy (but mostly the boys are just happy that you live here now and they can play with you whenever they want to)!

We've also celebrated Aunt FiFi's birthday, made end of the year baskets for the teachers and are prepping for the big Pre-K graduation tomorrow. I think it calls for a new dress for me, don't you?

Hope your week has been great so far!

On Military Life

A few weeks ago when I opened the blog up to questions, I got several about our life as a military family. I sometimes forget that our lifestyle isn't the norm, so it is interesting to see what y'all wanted to know. 

So here we go:

Erin asked: 

Maybe you've covered this before, but I'd love to hear more about being a military wife and what that means for your living situation. I know you've moved around a lot - will that continue indefinitely? How long are you in each place? Do you have any say in where you live? What are the options for places you might live and how much support does the military provide in helping you find a house?

-We will continue to move. In all honesty, because of Kev's job we really could ride out our time in DC, but we don't want to. I actually really enjoy moving around and look forward to experiencing new places while Kev is still in the Army.  

-We are generally in a place for 2-3 years. 

-A few months before we are slated to leave we get a list of options for the next job and can put in our preferences. Then a few weeks later we will get an assignment. We have been lucky to always get our first choice (except in 2007: we wanted anything but Kev deploying right after our wedding and said we would take anything BUT that one specific job..and well, that is the job he got. We are grateful for it now though because it set us up for everything awesome that has happened since. It is nice that we learned early on that even when it seems like the 'worst', it is for the best). 

-We do not get support in looking for a house. If you want to live on post, you can submit yourself to a waiting list and see what happens. When Kev lived in GA he rented a place with friends, I rented in DC while he was deployed after we got married, and in NC we bought a house. In Monterey we lived on post and in DC we (I) wanted to live on post but were on the wait list for 7 months and never offered anything so by mid summer (we got on the wait list after we got orders in Monterey but didn't move until June) we decided to look for a place off post. We ended up buying since there is a strong likelyhood that we will swing back through in a future assignment and our house is in a great rental area for the invetween. 

-We do get a housing stipend if we live off post to help with the cost of living and it is up to us to chose to live within it or a bit above or below. 

And then Rachel asked: 

And another question, if Kevin wasn't in the military, where would you guys live and what do you think you'd be doing? Oooh and another one, where's some places you'd like to be stationed?

-Somewhere in the Southeast: Charleston, Savannah, Wilmington.. warm and not too far from the water. Kev will likely continue to work for the Army or government in some way. His experience and education will lend itself to contracting very (hopefully) easily. We love that our families are in DC but the area is a little too congested and expensive for our taste. But when we do finally stop moving we will want to stay on the East Coast for sure where we can easily get home to them.

-We would LOVE to be stationed overseas in the meantime and pray that is an opportunity we will have in the near future. 

And from Karen: And what has been your favorite Army-related experience thus far?

I love it. 

Even though there are challenging times, and that my experience hasn't been the normal large unit experience of many wives, I enjoying moving around, meeting people from all over the world, forming friendships that will span longer than a duty station and giving my children the opportunity to be adaptable and adventurous (although, we are happy that we will be done by the time the boys are in high school and we won't have to move them around when they are older). 
I also fully support all that Kev does and the sacrifices he makes for us and for our country. 

Plus, he looks good in uniform. Obviously. 

***

And now, some pictures that have nothing to do with above, because no one likes a post without pictures. 

 Doesn't everyone mow the lawn in a lifejacket and undies?

Bullets, Because That Is All There Is Time For

*The celebration of 5 was clouded by a case of pink eye. 

Want to know how to make a boy very sad? 

Tell him he can't go to school, or have his friends over to play in the afternoon, and that he has to go to the doctor. 

In effort to brighten his day a little, we did let him go to Chapel so he could get his birthday blessing and then we took the cupcakes we had for his friends to the shop to share with Bummy and Papa, and then I took the 3 of them bowling. 

Yep, just me and the 3 amigos. 

You should have seen the looks of crazy I was getting from the retirees hanging out at the bowling alley at 12 on a Tuesday. 

From there, it was a stroll into the Doctor to find out that it was viral, so there was nothing we could do about it and he would be fine to go to school.

Later that night, we had the uncles, girlfriends and grandparents over for dinner and cake.

the only pic I took with people in it/ C winning at bowling (after I strategically moved the ramp so Bennett would miss because he was definitely winning)/ the pink eye

All in all, he had a wonderful day even though it wasn't the one he was expecting and luckily, he is all cleared up now and no one else {crosses self} has been affected

*What you've been missing on instagram

 (@katedaffodils- come on over and follow!)

Bennett 'making' himself a snack/ Wells without his fluff/ telling the boys they can jump NEXT to Wells, but not OVER him/ C's new jersey and helmet we got him for being awesome for 5 years.

the most wonderful picture ever

*Did you see the President's speech at the open of the 9/11 Museum? 

He ended by highlighting the story of Welles. 

I cried.

Our Wells with his red bandana:  a photo I sent to the Crowther family along with a letter a few months ago.

*The boys only have one week of school left. 

Summer is terrifying. 

When am I going to go to the grocery store? When I am going to blog and drink coffee? What happens when the sun doesn't go down until 9pm and they won't go to bed? 

Who wants to have playdates everyday?

* I'll be back next week with some normal post and the rest of the answers to the question's post. 

Happy Weekend!

FIVE.

That's right, FIVE. 

My baby Cullen is five years old today.

Two years ago, on the eve of Cullen's 3rd birthday, I wrote that he was:

Cautious

Kind

Curious

And today those adjectives still ring so true. 

Cautious.

My sweet boy will never do anything he is uncomfortable with. He doesn't like large group situations that are unfamiliar. He won't watch a movie that is the least bit scary. He prefers comedy to action. He isn't interested in taking off the training wheels to his bike or swimming without floaties.

Not to say that he isn't brave, because he will also jump in the ocean, get hit in the face with a lacrosse ball to save a shot and is very protective of his brothers, but he does everything with a bit of cautiousness and we have learned that letting him get confident in his own time is the most important. 

Kind.

His kindness is unbelievable. He is a helper and a rule follower. He is a good friend and ever so considerate. He loves his brothers, his daddy and me so much. He is easily excitable and looks up to his role models.

 I truly think he sees the very best in everyone, which in turn makes me a better person.

Curious.

Cullen questions me all day. He wants to know everything about everything. 

What causes an earthquake? What does Daddy do at work? What was your favorite food when you were a girl?How did you know that Bennett was in your belly? What do you think I am going to be when I get big? Who won the whatever-whatever sports game last night? Do you want to do ground ball drills with me?

And a classic from the other day:

Cullen: Mommy, what are leaves made out of?

Me: I don't know honey, just leaves. 

Cullen: Wrong. They are made out of God's love.

Birth-day, One, Two, Three

four

five

Happy Birthday my darling boy. 

Keep growing strong, smart, athletic, and cautious, kind and curious. 

We love you so much.

What We Did

Happy Monday friends. 

Hope everyone had a great weekend- it was another fast and furious one for us. 

After coming down from our awesome vacation high, Kev was back to work Friday, the boys were back to school and I was back to trying to put the house in order. 

We had a low key Friday night and then spent all day Saturday down at my in laws. My sister in law and her family came up for the day and we had a birthday party to celebrate 4 sweet cousins (Brooks- May 4, Cullen-May 13, Owen- May 16, Bennett-June 5)

We had a fun filled day playing with the new lacrosse sticks from Nana and Pop

and hanging out down by the lake

Kev, his younger brother Mike and his dad

and playing slip n slide baseball- couresty of Uncle Mike

My mother in law made a huge seafood feast for dinner and we had a wonderful day spending time with family. We left around 8:30 and everyone (including Kev and me) was sound asleep by 9:30.

I'm not a huge Mother's Day person, but I do love an excuse to get dressed up and drink champagne, so Sunday that's exactly what we did. We had a lazy morning, followed by Mass at 10:30.

 Luckily, the boys were pooped from the day before so after lunch all 3 took long naps while Kev and I relaxed outside and talked (with champagne, of course) for a few hours.

 Then it was a little backyard fun, plus a trip out to the playground and for ice cream.

 Our regular Sunday Chinese for dinner, a movie with the boys, and another weekend was in the books. 

Now, it is time to mentally prepare myself for having a 5 year old tomorrow!

****

PS- I know I have been terrible about commenting lately- I am trying to get through all my emails this week, so be sure to leave a comment so I can stop by your blog too! And thank you, as always for your support and taking the time to leave some love. It really does mean a lot to me!

A Perfect Few Days

As you saw in Tuesday's sneak peak, we spent the last few days down at the beach. 

We knew that this summer we wouldn't have a family vacay with just the 5 of us so we toyed with the idea of going somewhere over spring break but ultimately decided to do something a little less crowded and low key this past week. My friend Lindsay's family let us use their beach house in Holden Beach, NC (here is the listing- I would definitely recommend it!) and we had the best time.

 We spent the week doing a whole lot of nothing: beach in the morning, pool in the afternoon, dinner out at night.

Wells enjoyed his feet in the ocean but was a little confused as to where the water went after brushing his toes.  

 We also eventually had to plug him so he would stop trying to shovel the sand in his mouth. It didn't even phase him. He would put handfuls in and then laugh and blow raspberries and while cute, it was also gross, so paci at the beach it was.

 For as much as I would chose a beach vacation over any other, I actually never get in the water (ocean or pool) but I do love watching all my boys play in it.

 One morning, the boys found a pinecone and a piece of grass big enough to play football. They were so happy and as Kev and I watched from the balcony we prayed that life will always be as exciting to them as finding the perfect spot for pinecone football. 

 It turns out that the first week of May is an awesome time to go to the beach. We had the whole place to ourselves, the weather was amazing, there was never a wait at a restaurant...so glad we planned it this way.

 Our lives are so busy and full right now, that I can't express how grateful I was that Kev and I made the decision to take a time out. It was one of those trips we will always remember, and even last night when I was interviewing Cullen for his upcoming 5th (!!) birthday, I asked what his favorite vacation was (he always says San Diego) and he definitively stated "Holden Beach. That was my favorite trip ever." 

We would have to agree on that one.

Thanks to Lindsay and the Shepherd Family for the wonderful place to call home for a few days!