I Take My Goats Grocery Shopping

Yesterday, my friend Laura sent me this article about all the ways you can prepare yourself for parenthood, and I was crying laughing throughout the entire thing because it was so true. My particular favorite:

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.

3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

In order to prove that this is an accurate test, here is what a trip to the store what my goats looks like:

1. Find 'the shinest, most fastest rocketship cart, Mommy. No, not the green one, the blue one, no red, no blue. Ah but this one doesn't have good stickers on the side. O- head lock on Bennett!

2. Before arriving to the store, I meal plan, make a very specific list and put it in order by aisle. We must be efficient in order to stay on budget and within the toddler breakdown time frame. All this work is fruitless because by the first aisle, Bennett has slobbered the index card down into crumbles.

3. Spend 30 minutes standing firm to not buying everything with Thomas on it and stopping Bennett from grabbing food and boxes from the front of the cart and eating them.

4. Pay approximately $123939084 for 4 days worth groceries.

5. Get home and get the groceries in. This is a process: Put boys in the garage. Put groceries in the garage. Close car doors. Stop the baby goat from eating the new sponge. Close garage doors. Get boys inside. Get groceries inside.

6. Put groceries away with my special goat helpers.

This is not helpful. 

7. Send goats outside to play so I can actually put things in the fridge. Find this happening.

Obviously, if you can't borrow a goat, a monkey would be a good substitute.